Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there isn’t!
Let’s be honest, no little girl says “I can’t wait to be a stepmom when I grow up”. Truth is you’re never prepared to be a stepmom, there’s no handbook on how to do this thing, we are constantly learning and fighting with ourselves or with our spouses because it feels like “damned if you do damned if you don’t” but lets get straight to the point:
- Give yourself GRACE!– I can’t stress this enough, no one has it all together and so many are just winging it (including bio-parents) this is new territory for everyone so just chill and be easy on yourself.
- Set Boundaries – this is SO important! between you, stepchild & Bio parents. It is a family affair whether you like it or not. DO NOT neglect making yourself a priority, Bonus parents too need their “mommy breaks”. It’s okay to say No, you are not an evil step parent or spouse if you say no. And as cliche as this may sound, you need to take care of your mental if you can’t be the best version of yourself for YOU, then you won’t reflect that for any other relationship around you.( Just sayin )
- Do not take anything personal – Respect your bonus kids relationships with their Bio parents, this is even harder for the kids, dealing with broken homes & especially if they’re packing up and leaving every other week, they are battling with instability, figuring out if its okay to love all of us and adjusting to their new lives
- Be Patient – Prepare yourself to deal with the many personalities that you aren’t going to like, understand or even agree with. I am guilty! I just could not understand this feeling of fading into the background. This is HARD for your spouse, trying to keep everyone happy including Bio-mom or dad, Child and now the new spouse, so just like #1, give your spouse grace too.
& Last but Not Least
- Know YOUR place – I honestly believe that our role as Bonus parents is to LOVE and be our bonus childrens friend (Respectfully), to be their confidant when they feel like they can’t speak with their parents and building a trust but of course setting healthy respectful boundaries. Let bio-parents raise their children how THEY agree to do so, sorry not sorry but this ain’t about you. Unless you are asked, or if a parent is NOT in the picture, you are to not invite yourself to parent teacher conferences. (I just had to put that out there) lol
Although it may be easier said than done, but remind yourself that you CAN set healthy boundaries for yourself and that your are not alone.
Absolutely agree with your 5 things every stepmom should know, partícularly the last one. So many step parents overstep and want to do too much and be the 3 rd parent. What the child needs is love and a friend, they already have parents. ❤️
Rosita!! thank you so much for taking the time to read it 🙂 yess I’ve seen, I’ve heard it happen and its a bit cringy especially when Bio-Mom/Das is so active in their Childs life.. overstepping boundaries is just not it!
Girl !! So proud of you for taking this leap and doing this . Also you most definitely hit the nail on the head with your bonus mom tips . Not to step in and be the 3rd parent but to be a friend and give unconditional love . I loved the part about do not invite yourself to a parent teacher conference lol . Knowing your place and not over stepping is huge ! It’s also hard because sometimes in most cases the bio dad allows the bonus mom to over step and then that causes friction with the bio mom . Having good communication and understanding that the child is the main priority Is key . I love the term bonus mom because if the bio mom is doing everything she should then the child just gets extra love and attention but knowing she is not “mom” is huge ! Beautifully written .
Thank you soo much Alex!!! lol yesss! i just had to throw all that in there! ive seen many times and have heard stepmoms overstepping boundaries and its cringy lol I absolutely appreciate your feedback, it means a lot ! thank you for taking the time to read 🙂
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!!!! There truly is no handbook but if you trust in God and leave it in his hands everything will fall into place. Being a Bonus Parent isn’t easy but it is so rewarding. Those relationships that you create are like no other.
aawww Thank you for reading! & also for being the bonus mom i connect with and also receive advice from! ILY so much and yes, God has been the way to really allowing thing to fall into place in its own time!! Thank you so much for your feedback xoxoxo
Love this Ney! You explain things so perfectly. It’s not easy being a step mom but it’s such a great experience. You really do end up loving them as your own. All you want for them is to succeed, be happy and know that they gain an extra adult to show them even more love and support.
Thank you Thais!!! it is definitely a great and learning experience! your whole life changes, but it is so rewarding!! it absolutely is a bonus all around!! thank you so much for your words xoxoxo
Step mommin ain’t easy, but we have been lucky that it HAS gotten easier!!
This seems like a really balanced and helpful post about being a stepmom, thanks for the insight.